Bigfoot, Nessie, Respectible Lawyers and other such creatures

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Some time ago I wrote a humor column about being kicked by an elephant. As part of the column, I checked with the Department of Natural Resources (Game warden folks) to see if it is legal to hunt elephant in Georgia. I was planning revenge.

This is not me.

The answer?

Elephants do not exist in Georgia. Therefore they are not covered by hunting laws. So, I can hunt elephants in Georgia.

I was quite surprised to learn that the State of Georgia officially says elephants do not exist in Georgia. This will be a huge surprise to the folks at the Atlanta Zoo which has elephants. A baby was born there in 2008. Chehaw Park recently had elephants (they died of natural causes).

As much as this will surprise many of you, I have no intention of hunting elephants either in Georgia or anywhere else in the world. If I had the money to do it, I still wouldn't hunt an elephant, except with a camera.

How to avoid 'em? Don't re-elect ANYBODY.

But I could hunt 'em, legally, in Georgia, because elephants do not exist here. Extending this logic, a few other critters which do not exist here are lions, bigfoot, tigers, rhinos, giraffes, the Loch Ness monster, reindeer, elk, elves, bison, BEMs and LGMs, hippos, and cougars. Yes. Cougars. I have spoken to a number of Georgia DNR biologists and law enforcement officials. Georgia does not have cougars. This is an on-the-record statement from DNR officials.

I have not formally asked federal officials, but they have told me the same thing informally.

Since cougars do not exist in Georgia, they cannot be killed in Georgia. Since cougars do not exist here and they can't be killed here, then killing a cougar in Georgia has to be a matter of fiction much like seeing the General Assembly unanimously do something that makes sense.

But that is a branch of government saying cougars don't exist here. Reality is to government fiat as truth is to an ambulance-chasing lawyer.

I question how a person can be charged with a crime IF committing that crime involves an impossibility. But I forget. This is government I'm talking about. Government specializes in doing the impossible.

A fictional creature. Really.

"The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced today that David Adams, 60, formerly of Newnan, Georgia, was sentenced today in United States District Court, Northern District of Georgia, after pleading guilty to the unlawful take of a Florida panther, a species listed as endangered under the Endangered Species Act.

"Adams shot and killed a cougar known as a Florida panther while deer hunting in Troup County, Ga.  At the time of the shooting, Adams knew he was shooting at a species of cougar, for which there was no open hunting season in the State of Georgia." http://www.fws.gov/southeast

In case you are wondering, cougars are legal game in parts of the United States. And yes, I'd shoot one.

Troup County, for those who do not know, is west Georgia, against the Alabama line and begins what we call north Georgia. Call is 600+ miles from where the nearest cougar is supposed to exist. Cougars, I repeat, do not exist in Georgia according to the people charged with overseeing such things as cougars, deer and other wild animals.


Reality and Government. The ultimate oxymoron.