Your Friday Funny

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.Write it down


(Or, gratuitious use of the word "Pneumonoultramicro-scopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" in a humor column



I propose here and now to to build a monument to the first man to ever say the following to a woman.

“Write down what you want me to say and I’ll say it.”

This is a 100 percent, idiot-proof and fool-proof idea. It works no matter what angle I look at this from. It’s just a no-lose situation for men and women.

Vicki told me last week Randy Skinner, her boyfriend, told her that. If Randy is the first man to ever say that, then the money drive to build this monument to Randy starts here and now. Randy, pick the place where you’d like to have a 100-foot tall statue of yourself located.

“I humbly accept this award and am flattered to be in this article. Run it,” Randy wrote when I emailed the idea to him. “At least that’s what it says here on this piece of paper that Vicki just gave me.” As for location “Ty Ty is good; Scooterville, or Chula,” he wrote.”

It’s perfect. It takes part of the responsibility off us men and eliminates the possibility we will say something wrong. We still have to say whatever is written down, so don’t think us men are completely off the hook. Speaking as man, I can say with authority that some women can write things that are next to impossible for a man to say. Women can write, with impunity, such words as “Committment,” “Vasectomy,” “Romance,” “Antidisestablish-mentarianism,” “My mother is coming to spend a month with us,” and “Pneumonoultramicro-scopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.”

Men will stutter, stumble, fall down, sprain the speech center of their brain, paralyze their vocal chords and fracture several speech-related bones when attempting to speak such words. In very rare cases, a man’s brain will freeze, much like a computer, which means the man must be rebooted carefully.

The reboot process for men generally takes at least a month, involves large boats, large guns, large fish, large animals and mass quantities of cold beverages. Sadly, there are recorded instances of men never fully recovering from their tragic system shock and they had to spend the rest of their lives in therapy, unable to say more than a few words, those words being “dip net,” “Boone & Crockett,” “PBR,” and “more.” Scientists were able to use these men in trials to find better and more reliable methods of treating a male brain freeze. These guys would not have had it any other way.

Please pause with me while I observe a moment of silence for these men who sacrificed so much for the rest of us.

<dramatic pause with head bowed>

Now, I can hear the women saying now how they want men to be spontaneous. Writing something down for a man to say takes all the surprise out of it, women are now saying.

Ladies. You honestly do not want us men to be spontaneous. You don’t. Really.

When men are spontaneous, women hate it.

A man can be sitting around watching TV and rip one that blows the upholstry off the furniture, removes the varnish from the end table and makes the dog pass out. That is spontaneous. At least a really really good one is. We can't plan to do something like that.

A man gets up Saturday morning intending to mow the yard. As he cranks the mower, he suddenly realizes the weekend would be better spent fishing for grouper off Alligator Point. So, he jumps in his truck and without a single word to anyone, he’s gone.

A man is watching football on TV. He suddenly switches loyalties from one team to the other. In addition to being spontaneous, this is highly unlikely and is an indicator of a pending brain freeze.

A man sits down at the supper table and has a sardine sandwich instead of the woman’s carefully prepared Tofu Surprise.

Instead of visiting the regular watering hole, a man decides to head one town over for the night’s festivities without telling anyone.

On the way home, a man suddenly decides to trade his “old reliable” ride for any one or any combination of the following: a 1954 Harley Panhead, a new boat, a giant jacked-up 4x4 with a cowcatcher bumper the size of Rhode Island, an exotic animal hunting ranch in Texas.

Now ladies, tell me. How many of you would genuinely appreciate such spontaneous acts by your man?

I thought so.

Women want their men to staid, solid and predictable. Fit that square peg neatly into the square hole and let the rhomboids, circles, triangles, politicians and octagons take a flying leap off the metaphorical geometric shapes table of relationships.

HOLD THE PRESSES! A female type person just pointed out a flaw. She planned last week to write a valentine to her beau with words for him to say. “Will you marry me?”

Men around the world are now reeling in shock and hurridly attempting to retract what they just told their girlfriends about writing anything down. Uh, Randy, the men of the world may still build you a monument, but don’t expect to have a very large one. And, we’re gonna put it in downtown Two Egg, Fla. I’m sure you understand.


Dis kolimb is copyrighted to Spontaneous Men And the Women Who Hate Them Inc. (llc), bizarre lung diseases and my accountant.