Your Friday Funny

This column won me a first place award for personal columns. It's one of my favorites.



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Beef. OK? Beef.

Pretty tough beef, like a poor cut of steak or a grass fed steer. But beef.

Has everyone got that?

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, a couple of weeks ago I took possession of a very recently deceased emu. An emu is an Australian bird which can weigh up to 100 pounds, stands taller than me and looks a lot like an ostrich. It also has about as much sense as an ostrich or any above-average member of Congress.

Emu, in case you are wondering, tastes like beef. Just had to make sure I was clear on that.

How, you are now asking, did I come across a very recently deceased emu in South Georgia? Easy. Albert Shepherd, our Animal Control officer, brought it to me. Delivered it to the house in fact. Watched me carve up  the bird like a giant mutant Thanksgiving turkey or a scene from Sesame Street as written by Quentin Tarantino. City Manager Ben Taylor took the feet home. He plans to use them as legs for a coffee table.

Emus are flightless, owing the fact that they cannot get clearance from the Federal Aviation Administration and their wings are about 8 inches long, which is far too small to lift a bird like that off the ground without lots and lots of federal economic stimulus package money. Even then, the bird won't fly. It'll just climb to the top of the pile of money and announce it is running for president.

Now some of you are wondering what it will take to get an emu on the ballot for presidential. I personally do not know as I strongly suspect emus have more sense than to run for president. Considering the two main contenders today, I'd certainly vote for an emu for president.

Another question you no doubt have is where did Albert find an emu? He responded to a call about the bid loose in a pasture in Turner County.

Now, how the bird got there is something that is really open to speculation.

My thoughts are the bird was either released or escaped from a pen back when there was a huge emu and ostrich ranching fad, a fad that passed about as quick as collecting Beanie Babies and stores that sold multi-flavored popcorn exclusively. Rather than continue to feed these 6-foot Public Television rejects, the owner decided to turn 'em loose.

My alternate theory is the bird migrated to the United States to get away from saltwater crocodiles which are even more vicious than Sarah Palin without makeup, dingos, the 10 most poisonous snakes on the planet, the most poisonous jellyfish, octopus and snail on the planet, all of which live in Australia which is probably why that nation has such a severe shortage of Damnocrats and Reboobicans - they keep getting killed to death by the poisonous creatures and the crocs.

Albert said more birds have been sighted, which leads me to believe we may have yet another group of illegal aliens living here, taking our jobs, eating our food, benefiting from government services without paying taxes, raising children which will be Americans by virtue of being born in the United States and refusing to learn our language. Admittedly, our native bird language is mostly crow, mocking bird and pileated woodpecker, but emus should make the attempt to assimilate.

So, yes, I carved up the bird. I have delivered some packages to friends interested in trying the meat. Yes, I cooked some up. Refer to the opening line of this column, or this statement - Emu. It tastes just like emu. I have more in the freezer, but I'm gonna grind it to make emu burgers.

If there are more emu running around, I told Albert to call me. I'll come take care of 'em.

If nothing else I'll get 'em registered to vote and see about having one run for the next available public office. If the bird won't run for office, I'll work at getting it a job so it can start paying taxes.

Of course if the bird agrees to run for office, well, someone tell Ben Taylor I'm keeping that set of legs for my own coffee table. We have enough rampant stupidity running around in the guise of elected officials.