Your Friday Funny - a personality profile test

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Personality and relationship "profile" articles are one of the main features in women's magazines. Not since the 1970's has a men's magazine featured a "real" Q&A profile article.

After spending a week of research reviewing lingerie ads in women's magazines and every now and then looking at the "profiles" article and studiously poring over hundreds of back issues of Cosmo, I have put together a "profile" questionnaire suitable for every member of the family even your weird brother..

Just choose an answer from the multiple choice answers.


1) Your idea of a perfect evening is:
 
a. A quiet romantic dinner for two, dancing and so forth.
b. Peace and quiet. 

c. An all-night Barney marathon. 

d. Cool movie and no curfew. 

e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank.

f. In bed by 8 p.m. 



2) Your idea of a perfect meal is: 

a. Anything by candlelight. 

b. Anything that doesn't wind up on the floor, walls, ceiling or in the dog. 

c. Mac & cheese, burgers and fries.
d. A buffet.
e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank.
f. Anything easy to digest. 



3) Your dream vacation is:
a. Tahiti, Cozumel, Acapulco, or Bermuda. 

b. A weekend with NOTHING to do. 

c. Any place with giant cartoon characters come to life.
d. Panama City Beach.
e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank. 

f. Somewhere warm with low humidity. 



4) Your ideal "significant other" is someone who: 

a. Enjoys moonlight walks on the beach and poetry.
b. Can handle high-pitched screams, constant yelling and bodily fluids without going ballistic. 

c. Doesn't eat your crayons. 

d. Has a driver's license 

e. Has a 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank. 

f. Can drive at night. 



5) When looking for a long-term relationship, the most important thing is: 

a. Commitment.
b. Everything in a large, economy size. 

c. Shares the juice cup. 

d. Has own vehicle.
e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank.
f. Number of joint replacements. 



6. If give $1 million you would: 

a. Promote world peace, help the homeless, etc. 

b. Buy a bigger version of everything. 

c. Party all night 

e. Buy 12-pack -- heck, a case, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank.
f. Buy a turbo-charged pace-maker. 



7. Your favorite clothes are: 

a. An evening dress or slacks and a smoking jacket with a silk cravat. 

b. Easy to get stains out of.
c. "Favorite" as in clothes? You gotta be kidding. 

d. Jeans, loose fitting shirt, the latest sneakers.
e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank. 

f. Polyester. 



8. You would prefer to see:
a. An opera.
b. The back of your eyelids for 12 uninterrupted hours.
c
. Sesame Street on Ice. 

d. Lollapalooza. 

e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank.
f. Next week. 



9. Your most recent significant achievement is: 

a. Reading the entire works of Sidney Sheldon. 

b. Getting out of bed.
c. A B C D E F G... 

d. Successfully using a fake ID. 

e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank.
f. This morning's trip to the bathroom. 



10. When going somewhere you take: 

a. A portable Nieman Marcus department store. 

b. The entire contents of the house.
c. A suitcase full of Barbie dolls, the entire G.I. Joe set and things that shoot plastic projectiles or water. 

d. Money and/or credit cards. 

e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank.
f. A pharmacy. 



11) If you could vote for anyone for president, it would be: 

a. Hillary Clinton. 

b. Bill Cosby. 

c. Elmo. 

d. Aerosmith. 

e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank. 

f. Ronald Reagan. 

If you answered Justin Bieber, then please, kill yourself now and save the rest of us the trouble.


12) The most important thing to you is: 

a. A good complexion. 

b. Restraining the urge to strangle. 

c. Blue's Clues. 

d. Nothing is important.
e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank. 

f. Living long enough to be a burden. 



13) Your next major goal in life is:
a. A complete facial.

b. Graduation.

c. Extracting revenge from sibling. 

d. Graduation.

e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank. 

f. An afternoon nap. 



14) Your most recent major investment was: 

a. A week-long stay at a health spa. 

b. Groceries. 

c. What's an investment? 

d. A tank of gas. 

e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank.
f. A 6-week newspaper subscription. 



15) You are most concerned about: 

a. Wrinkles. 

b. Permanent damage.
c. Finding Waldo.
d. A reason for anything. 

e. A 12-pack, viennies, some poles and a pond or river bank. 

f. Falling. 


Give yourself 1 point for each a., 2 for each b., 3 for each c., and 4 for each d., 5 for each e., 6 for each f.

If you didn't bother to take this test, you certainly shouldn't be reading the carefully developed and incredibly accurate results.

If you scored 15, you are mentally unstable. You should get out of your house and see what life actually is. You have no friends.

If you scored 30, uh, Mom, why did you take this test?  If you're not Mom, you need help. You need lots of help. May we humbly suggest several full-time assistants.

If you scored 45, you are a very cool, likeable and all-around well-adjusted person. You are not perfect, but you freely admit that someone else did it.

If you scored 60, you are depressed, sullen and very annoying to be around. Fortunately, this will only last a few years, after which you will return to the old depressed, sullen and very annoying person those around you have come to hate.

If you scored 75, you are as close to perfect as a human being can be on this planet. Everyone around you wishes they could be just like you.

If you scored 90, you are a poster-child for Euthansia. Die and make room for younger people.
If you scored anything other than the above scores, you must have taken the test incorrectly. In other words, you failed. You will have to repeat the class to earn credit.

I lied. If you chose any answer other than E for any question, there’s no hope for you as a human being.