FryDee Funnie

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Duct Tape, Nose Strips & Disposable Bras


My kids’ mother was flipping through the pages of one of those “intimate apparel” catalogues. “Look at this,” she said holding the book where I couldn’t see what she was talking about. “Disposable bras.”

I am not kidding

Immediately my finely honed reporter training kicked in. News was afoot. Then, my redneck attitude jumped in and beat my finely honed reporter training into a pulp and kicked it into a corner. News could wait, here was disposable underwear. Well. More disposable than usual.

One use disposable.

Well. You wear it one time and ...

OK, you WEAR IT FOR LESS THAN 24 HOURS and then throw it away.

Yes. Even if you only wore it as a bikini top once while bogging.

Indeed, there in full color stood two models posing with “disposable” bras. No strap, no hooks, no wires.

I am not kidding either.

Clamps help glue hold.

An observation on my part: While the male readers are now jumping up and down, wildly pumping their fists in the air and shouting “All right! About time!”, the female readers are going “Hmmm.”
Here’s the kicker. These “disposable bras” attach with adhesives. In other words, you stick ‘em on using the glue that comes attached to the bra.

Another observation: The male readers are now saying “Glue it on? Hey, wait a minute this may not be such a good idea after all.” The female readers are now saying “Glue? On me? Right there? I don’t think so!”

Once again I am forced to draw the conclusion that this is yet another plot to overthrow the pursuit of truth, justice and the Southern Way. It’s a conspiracy led by the granola-munchers out in California.

Continuing down the conspiracy road, perhaps you too have seen the “nose strips.” It’s a piece of tape you can strap across your nose and remove after 10 minutes or so. Supposedly the glue on the tape cleans the pores on your nose.

First time I saw this, Sally Jane Fishbreath (Hawgin’s wife) had one strapped across her nose.

“WHAT? When did you do that?” I asked.

Now in designer colors.

“Do what?” she asked.

“Break your nose,” I said.

“I didn’t break my nose.”

“Then why are you wearing a cast on your nose?”

“It’s not a cast. It’s a nose strip. It helps clean out the pores on my nose,” she said.

“You sure? Maybe Hawgin’ did break your nose.” I asked.

She gave me a look that said if Hawgin’ ever thought about breaking her nose, she’d break him into so many pieces that God couldn’t put him back together.

Hawgin’ was out back. I ambled around the house to find him.

He was in the yard, doubled over, eyes watering severely and using language which was killing his grass, begonias and putting a serious wilt in the kudzu in fence.

“What’s your problem?” I asked. “Sally Jane discover you were thinking about breaking her nose?

Hawgin's attempt at self brain surgery?

“No you blamed idiot. It’s them durn nose tape things,” he said. “Sally Jane done said it will help her nose, so I figgered it would do the same thing for me. It like to have ripped my nostrils out.”
I looked at the nose strip lying on the ground next to him.

“Uh, Hawgin’, I don’t think you are supposed to use it to get rid of nose hair,” I said. There on the ground, covered with hair and bits of nostril flesh and what very well could be brains, was the used nose strip.

“Fine time to tell me Baker,” he said.

Anyway, these nose strips and disposable bras are very expensive.

By now all should see the conspiracy lurking here.

HUZZAH!

First, the granola-munchers want Southerners to spend all our money on these things. Then, when we’re broke, our Southern Belles will get stuck in the glue on their chest. While this happens, the men will be outside doubled over in pain because the nose strips pulled out hair, nostrils, sinuses and brains.

The granola-munchers will move in and take over while we stand by helpless.

It’s time to strike back. We should start marketing duct tape as a new kind of weather-proof, water-proof shirt, adjustable-size shirt.

When the granola-munchers tape each other into a metallic gray ball, Southerners can run to the west and tip California into the ocean and be done with the whole matter once and for all.