The Gross National Debt

Friday, March 30, 2012

Frydee Funnie

Reading your mind and finding out nothing

Scientists are a step closer to being able to read your mind. No, I am not kidding, but you have nothing to worry about. 
You are thinking I can't read your mind.

The idea that science can read your mind probably won’t bother most people. A perusal of the contents of their gray matter will reveal stale Cheetos, flat Coke and a worry about whether or not they left the lights on when they left the house that morning. A closer examination of your brain will probably convince scientists you need to be locked up in a small closet because you are reading this column.

Scientists attempting to read my mind would probably order an immediate NATO air strike. If they attempted to read Larry “Hawgin’” Fishbreath’s mind, their mind reading equipment would go on strike.

This research comes, not entirely by coincidence from the University of California, located in the Granola State. If you are thinking one too many earthquakes have joggled their brains, you are probably right.

In what is good news on one hand and quite disturbing news on the other hand, the mind reading is so far limited to Youtube videos which the person has already seen. 
Ladies if you can't, you're not trying.

The news story about the mind readers states: “Currently, researchers are only able to reconstruct movie clips people have already viewed. However, the breakthrough is expected to pave the way for reproducing the movies inside our heads that no one else sees - such as dreams and memories.”

Researchers played a Youtube video and then used the mind reading computer equipment to read the mind and recreate the video as a very blurry, shaky blob of a movie with no details and only a vague resemblance to the original video.

The recreated videos are now a major viral hit on the internet video channel, especially with people stoned out of their minds and mind-reading scientists, who may or may not be stoned. Ozzy Osbourne is considering using the footage as the video for his new song release - Still Whacked After All These Years.

Bigfoot researchers are pointing to the recreated videos as absolute proof of the existence of Sasquatch running around research labs in southern California.

In what is a MAJOR disappointment according to the news story: “Researchers emphasize that the brain imaging technology is "decades" away from allowing users to read thoughts and intentions - a theme which is prevalent in numerous dystopian science fiction books.”

This is disappointing because it means we’re still decades away from finding out if a person running for office actually should be elected. Now we have to elect them to office to get proof they are double-dealing, back stabbing liars that should be rubbed down with sandpaper and tossed in a shark tank. With mind-reading technology, we can hook ‘em up, read their minds and throw them in jail without having to first send them to Congress.

The news article does not say if the researchers wore colorful dresses, way too much makeup and jewelry, did the experiments in a dark room with a huge crystal ball on a table in the middle of the room.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Hi. I welcome lively debate. Attack the argument. Go after a person in the thread, your comments will not be posted.