Earth date 21 July 2026
The clock is banging on 10 a.m. The 3rd cup of decaf is half done (can't have caffeine anymore).
This is gonna be a long one.
BA
Talked to BA yesterday. I have spoken with him a serious lot since Sunday.
Hoping he got some sleep last night. He is a man on the ragged edge and, literally, is considering the final solution.
I ain't talking him out of it. I ain't talking him into it. That is his decision. I shall support whatever he decides. I am not nor will I accept being in charge of his life and the manner and timing of ending it. An exception is if he is on life support and he specifically tells me not to let him linger. I will pull the plug.
LARA
I have no idea when L and I first met. I knew her before she met BA. She told me she was moving from NYC to Texas to be his slave. A slave, yes, in the literal sense of the word. I figured I would never hear from her again. Indeed, it was a while before I heard from her again. She called, at BA's instruction.
They moved to Alaska, first to the bush on the northern side of the state. Then down to the southeast side near the Aleutians.
Yeah. I planned to visit them. Never did. Never will.
The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley.
BA told he moved to Alaska for her. She always wanted to live there. I think it suited both of 'em.
SUNDAY
Sunday, around 10 am or so, phone rings. It is them. I figure it was L checking in. She did that frequently. Am sure you know where this going.
BA spoke. With the first word from his mouth the world sent sideways.
She was groggy and lethargic that night. Sunday morning, she would not wake. He gathered her into his arms to put her in his truck to go to the ER.
On the porch, she went limp.
"The paramedics are doing compressions on her now," he said, panic obvious in his voice, on that first phone call.
I knew it was over. I did not say it. BA had enough to deal with. As an RN for decades, I am equally certain he knew, but like all of us, he demanded reality adapt to him.
More than that, on Saturday, I started having feelings that are not me, do not apply to me and are simply foreign to me. What feelings? A terminal end to matters.
Now, I know. L was dying and was sending me a message.
Days prior to Sunday, for reasons I now understand, I had a compulsion to start prepping to bring L from Alaska to Georgia live. Now I realize I had it backward. It was BA I was prepping for. Still am right now, with his cooperation.
You may discount this as Woo Factor. Don't care. As soon as SCIENCE can explain things and get it right, I'll give it the credence it deserves. You ain't me and I ain't you. Nuf said.
L died in his arms. That is exactly what she wanted, to be held close by the man who was her world. At the same time, she knew this would go far beyond wrecking him. We talked about this extensively. I assured her, I'd be there for BA, even if it meant a trip to Alaska.
I am there for him as much as I can be and as much as he will let me. Over the past 2 days, we have talked more, many times more, than he and I spoke in the 18 years I have known him.
It is good.
CRUSHED
I have never seen a person so crushed, devastated and ruined.
In one of our talks over the past 2 days, BA said, "I have never loved anything or anyone. My parents died, no tears. My brother and sister died. I was all right. Now, I cannot stop crying. Hell, I am almost a sociopath."
With those words I remembered something L told me years ago. Even the most despotic, cruel and tyrannical human being has limits. Example: Someone who delights in torturing a human to death could be the kindest person to a dog and would react with unimaginable fury to someone who mistreated a dog.
I am also certain BA wishes he could retreat back into the hardened fortress of self he once occupied.
He has, more than once, said he is ready to end it. Discussed that already.
I add that if he opts for the final solution, I want him let me know so I can send someone to collect his remains. Waiting to be discovered is not fair to those who do the finding.
He has not chosen that option, yet, because of Max, their dog. Max, as you might expect, is grieving in his own way. Max is a lifeline BA is desperately holding to.
I am certain if BA could find a good home for Max, BA would leave this existence.
NO HELP THERE
As is common in such times, BA turned to a place that should provide solace. Instead, he got rejection. No help there.
BA is a former devout Christian. He turned atheist. L was born and raised Jewish. She too became an atheist. Over the past few years, she started praying, not for herself, but for me.
Sunday morning, after L was carried to the morgue, BA got in his truck and started driving. Just driving. Aimless wandering. He stopped in the Soldotna Baptist Church parking lot.
Folks in the church sent an armed guard out to him.
I wish I could say I was surprised. More in a moment.
After realizing he was not a threat, a deacon invited him into the church. Coffee was served.
They spoke for a few minutes. The deacon said they had to leave as the youth group was coming in to listen to music.
"Thanks for the coffee," BA later recounted to me, the sarcasm heavy in his voice.
NO SURPRISE
Really, no surprise there. I have Southern Baptist relatives who are convinced I am hell-bound because I was baptized Catholic. I am not Catholic now, more in a moment. I am now a co-pastor of a bilingual independent pentecostal church; the relatives are of the same opinion regarding my fate.
"Southern Baptists. They believe they will be the only ones in heaven," BA said.
I realize and state for the record, this is not the case with many Baptists. It is, however, the state of mind of far too many of them. Not that Baptists have a monopoly on that line of thinking. Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholics, Mormons and Islamists don't have a problem in telling other faiths they are wrong.
BA's reception was way too common. I have spoken to too many people who have left religion because of the reception of the people within the church.
Beyond sad.
The Book Of Southern Baptists
Chapter 13 -The Book Of Fellowship
And there cometh unto you a man in need of succor.
And ye, being followers of the man known as The Christ, shall turn him away for he followeth not your teachings.
Ye shall likesum disregard the teachings of the risen Savior for the man who cometh unto you brings ways are anathema unto you, albeit not to the Savior.
Ye shall then retreat unto the Sanctuary to hear the words of the Lord and shall be fed and grow complacent.
Upon departing services to enter into the world again, let not the words spoken to you guide you. Rather, rest upon thy self-centered superiority and ignore those in need.
Excepting thou shalt give from thy wallet unto mission programs that go to those on the other side of the world, for their need is greater as they are many thousands of miles away.
For charity does express itself in the greatest manner with those who thou shalt never see or come to know in person.
ANATHEMA
In that vein, I too am excluded. Call me Anathema.
I am, specifically, excommunicated from the Catholic church. Why? Because of hypocrisy. The Catholic church will not accept membership in secret societies, never mind the fact that the Catholic Church's history is packed with secret societies.
I cannot be a JW because I have this annoying habit of thinking for myself and asking questions. I am shunned, according to their own words, which they have recently changed. Not sure what they call it now. JW friends say they want to come talk to me about faith and the Bible. Words again fail to meet the actions. Which is good. Any conversation with them will not go the way they expect. They expect rejection and hostility. I will serve up questions they will not answer.
I am not a Southern Baptist because I cannot follow their dogmatic structure. 2 different SB preachers have told me as much at 2 different churches.
Can't be an islamist because I believe killing people because they do not believe as I do is a death penalty on the person demanding the killing.
Buddhist? Could be. I find nothing in the Buddhist tenets that conflict with Christianity.
I still, at this moment anyway, have a membership in the Church of God. If the leadership at the state level learned of my activities and views, I would be dropped from the rolls. Why haven't I resigned? I find satisfaction in being a member of that association, knowing that the hierarchy would be horrified if they only knew. Three former preachers at the Church of God here in Ashburn made it extremely clear through words, and more importantly deeds, that I did not fit in, would not fit in and could not be fully accepted unless I changed to meet their expectations.
As Danny Joe Brown sang, "If I have to change to be with you, then I have to be on my way."
I did, am and will change. On my terms. For my reasons.
PAIN
At this moment, BA is in the most intense pain he has ever felt. I can do nothing to assuage this, which compounds my own pain at the loss of L.
BA will either get through this or will not. Either way, I will give him all the support I can, no matter which option he chooses.
His pain is not mine. Mine is not his. Pain is unique to each person who so suffers. I do not judge people because of their pain. I work hard every day to not judge people who strike out because of their pain.
