One of my personal favorite columns

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When one bowl for breakfast ain’t enough... HAVE 2!

Excerpted from the book A Dog Named Nekkid.

Which is now available as an ebook as well as a printed version.

I think we ought to have a court for stupidity.

Do something stupid and you ought to have to go to court. Either explain yourself satisfactorily to a judge or you get slapped with a fine, possible jail time (not in Sheriff’s Iron Bar Hotel, but something like house arrest by being chained to Geraldo Rivera for 48 hours), community service work, etc.

I’m not talking about doing something foolish, like wearing a lampshade at a party. Or weird, like wearing different colored socks at the same time on purpose. Or even, mind-bogglingly ignorant like walking into the Radio Ranch in Moultrie on a Friday night and admitting to being from New York City.

I’m talking about pure, simple, unadulterated dumb stupidity.

The kind of stupidity that makes you jam a butter knife in an outlet to see if the electricity is flowing through it.

The kind of stupidity that makes you talk back to a Georgia Highway Patrolman when he pulls you over for something.

The kind of stupidity that makes you reach into an oven without mitts and pull out a pot that’s been baking for 3 hours at 300 degrees.

This may be a stupid idea, but...

You know what I’m talking about. You have remarked to yourself on occasion that you just did something incredibly stupid.

You start to do something. “I can’t believe I’m going to do this. This is so stupid.”

You are doing it. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. This is so stupid.”

You get done. “I can’t believe I did that. That was so stupid.”

My idea is that the Stupid Patrol would be self-policing.

You do something stupid. You know it. Write yourself a citation charging yourself with being stupid in the whatever degree. Call the Stupid Court and set a court date.

You show up. You are the defense and the prosecution.

You will, of course, have to represent yourself. As lawyers are fond of saying, only a fool represents himself. This is a Stupid Court after all.

BAILIFF - This Stupid Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Roy Bean presiding. Everyone stand, slap yourself in the head and say “DUH!” -

First, try to convince the judge that you weren’t actually being stupid.

DEFENSE - Yer honor my client was merely attempting to determine if the songwriter was correct when he said “You don’t spit into the wind. You don’t tug on Superman’s cape and you don’t mess around with Slim.” -

Then, try to convince the judge that you were stupid.

PROSECUTION - Yer honor, the defendant spit into the wind.

JUDGE - I find the defendant stupid in the 3rd degree. I sentence you to 25 hours community service work at a local dry cleaners and a $75 fine. -

All fines collected by the Stupid Court could go to some giant benefit or charity, like the Society for the Prevention of Politicians, Lawyers and other Alien Beings (SPPLAB).

Fail to show up for your court appearance and the judge could issue a bench warrant. Your best friend would hunt you down and hit you with a bench.

We’d have to have degrees of stupidity. A minor offense, like kicking the couch leg in bare feet, could be ranked as a 4th degree, or misdemeanor stupidity. Do something like that and if the judge finds you guilty, you’d be given a warning

A more serious offense, being an Auburn fan, would merit harsher penalties. Except that you could use the Insanity Defense in case of being an Auburn fan and the judge would let you go.
The most serious offense, a first degree, would be reserved exclusively for second time offenses. The first time you do something stupid, you pay the price. If you do the same exact thing later on, the judge will sentence you to take yourself out and shoot yourself in the foot. Sooner or later you’ll learn your lesson.

If y’all like the idea, we can hold court at my office on Tuesday afternoons after the paper has left for the press ...unless this is a really stupid idea.