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Santa is a what?


I am not the first person to make this observation, but I think in this era of terrorism, copping a feel at airports, warrantless wire tapping and WikiLeaks it is prudent to review what we know about the Jolly Old Elf.

I think he’s the original Black Ops Special Detail. Except in red. I just don’t know whose side he’s on.

Let’s examine the evidence.

“Santa Claus is coming to town.”

Not too much ominous there, except it is a formal announcement of his arrival. How many people do you know who post advance notice to the world about their pending arrival? The only ones I know of are terrorists and politicians, both of whom make grand announcements that they are coming to ruin your life. By the way if you can tell the difference between a terrorist and a politician, please let me know.

“He’s making a list and checking it twice.”

Double-checking to make sure he gets things right. The only people I know who double check things are lawyers, Navy Seals and Army Rangers. The lawyers check things twice because the judge frowns at ‘em if they get it wrong. Navy Seals check twice because once they are done, there’s nothing left to check. Blowing up the wrong place is highly embarrassing.

“Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.”

This sounds like Santa is a member of the Tea Party and is running down the list of people who did and didn’t support the Federal Deficit - I mean Stimulus Package this year.

Notice there never is any criteria for what puts you on the naughty list and the nice list. You have to guess. Just like the IRS or dealing with a mentally unstable terrorist or a politician, you never know what will set one off. You have to walk on eggshells, hoping Santa doesn’t have an aversion to egg products.

Maybe Santa is neurotic.

“He sees when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.”

Disturbing. Santa is definitely spying on you. He’s gotten hidden cameras in your bedroom or a giant TSA Airport Scanner built into the walls of your house. Either way, I think it’s pretty safe to say you will soon be appearing on YouTube snoring and drooling into your pillow. I’d suggest you do something about those slippers and the boxers you wear to bed, but it’s too late now.

Even more worrying, does he have the bathroom wired for sound and pictures or just sound? What did he think about you after you had that extra spicy burrito last week? I wonder if that bumped up the score on the naughty list.

“He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.”

Again, we go right back to the definition of bad and good. No criteria for it. What’s good to a guy who spies on sleeping people, makes a list to decide whom to punish and whom to reward? Do you really want to know what Santa thinks is good and bad?

The answers might shock you even worse than seeing the Youtube video of your neighbor asleep at 2 a.m.