Jesse's Hunt

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Tickets $5 each or 5 for $20.

Help my son go to Washington State to shoot a moose.

Your Friday Funny

This column won me a first place award for personal columns. It's one of my favorites.



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Beef. OK? Beef.

Pretty tough beef, like a poor cut of steak or a grass fed steer. But beef.

Has everyone got that?

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, a couple of weeks ago I took possession of a very recently deceased emu. An emu is an Australian bird which can weigh up to 100 pounds, stands taller than me and looks a lot like an ostrich. It also has about as much sense as an ostrich or any above-average member of Congress.

Emu, in case you are wondering, tastes like beef. Just had to make sure I was clear on that.

How, you are now asking, did I come across a very recently deceased emu in South Georgia? Easy. Albert Shepherd, our Animal Control officer, brought it to me. Delivered it to the house in fact. Watched me carve up  the bird like a giant mutant Thanksgiving turkey or a scene from Sesame Street as written by Quentin Tarantino. City Manager Ben Taylor took the feet home. He plans to use them as legs for a coffee table.

Emus are flightless, owing the fact that they cannot get clearance from the Federal Aviation Administration and their wings are about 8 inches long, which is far too small to lift a bird like that off the ground without lots and lots of federal economic stimulus package money. Even then, the bird won't fly. It'll just climb to the top of the pile of money and announce it is running for president.

Now some of you are wondering what it will take to get an emu on the ballot for presidential. I personally do not know as I strongly suspect emus have more sense than to run for president. Considering the two main contenders today, I'd certainly vote for an emu for president.

Another question you no doubt have is where did Albert find an emu? He responded to a call about the bid loose in a pasture in Turner County.

Now, how the bird got there is something that is really open to speculation.

My thoughts are the bird was either released or escaped from a pen back when there was a huge emu and ostrich ranching fad, a fad that passed about as quick as collecting Beanie Babies and stores that sold multi-flavored popcorn exclusively. Rather than continue to feed these 6-foot Public Television rejects, the owner decided to turn 'em loose.

My alternate theory is the bird migrated to the United States to get away from saltwater crocodiles which are even more vicious than Sarah Palin without makeup, dingos, the 10 most poisonous snakes on the planet, the most poisonous jellyfish, octopus and snail on the planet, all of which live in Australia which is probably why that nation has such a severe shortage of Damnocrats and Reboobicans - they keep getting killed to death by the poisonous creatures and the crocs.

Albert said more birds have been sighted, which leads me to believe we may have yet another group of illegal aliens living here, taking our jobs, eating our food, benefiting from government services without paying taxes, raising children which will be Americans by virtue of being born in the United States and refusing to learn our language. Admittedly, our native bird language is mostly crow, mocking bird and pileated woodpecker, but emus should make the attempt to assimilate.

So, yes, I carved up the bird. I have delivered some packages to friends interested in trying the meat. Yes, I cooked some up. Refer to the opening line of this column, or this statement - Emu. It tastes just like emu. I have more in the freezer, but I'm gonna grind it to make emu burgers.

If there are more emu running around, I told Albert to call me. I'll come take care of 'em.

If nothing else I'll get 'em registered to vote and see about having one run for the next available public office. If the bird won't run for office, I'll work at getting it a job so it can start paying taxes.

Of course if the bird agrees to run for office, well, someone tell Ben Taylor I'm keeping that set of legs for my own coffee table. We have enough rampant stupidity running around in the guise of elected officials.

Evolving creationism or Creating evolutionism

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I have said before and I state again:

Ayup.

That the present form of a human being is the result of millions of years of evolution is a theory.

That the present form of a human being was spontaneously created by God is a theory.

This will annoy both sides of the creation-evolution debate. This does not change the fact that both are true statements because we have no way to test either statement to reach an absolutely conclusive decision.

As much as it will annoy both sides as well, belief in either statement is a matter of faith. Faith is defined here as acceptance as truth of that which cannot be positively verified.

When it comes down to the fight over what our children are taught, the Maginot Line looked like a couple of kids drawing a line in sand with a stick by comparison.

Is there a draft in here?

Me? I say teach 'em both.

When one side prevails over the other, then all have lost. Intractability on either side shuts off the free flow of information. You would THINK the scientific-evolution side of the debate would object strenuously to the free exchange of ideas, especially in an academic setting.

If you so think, you forget the one single most important aspect of this discussion and debate. Both sides are fully occupied by human beings, not Vulcans. Humans are ruled by emotion, not logic.

Humans are the central problem of anything humans get involved with, be that religion, science, government, education, the environment or whatever.

I am reminded here that Japanese textbooks do not discuss Japan's role in WWII. The bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki are glossed over. It was in the late 1980s or early 90s that the Japanese government finally owned up to what happened in WWII. The statement, taking less than 2 minutes to say, can be summed as "WWII happened. We did not do what we should have."

Only in recent times has the true nature of slavery in the United States come about. Unfortunately as the truth of this comes to be known, the truth of what Martin Luther King Jr stood for is becoming increasingly distorted. The truth is being told in one place while in another it is obfuscated.

Lemme make this VERY clear:

Suppression and distortion of information is the hallmark of a repression and an attempt to control the thought process of those who are denied information.

Arg. Confusing.

Try this: When you deny me information, you attempt to control my thoughts.

I do not care which side of the debate you fall on. If you intend to deny me and my children access to the information the other side has, You Are The Enemy.

Period.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=south-korea-surrenders-creationist-demands

Getting what you asked for

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"Anybody can cut from education, health care, and they employees. Any clown can do that, oh wait, one did. WI, #47 in job creation, and contrary to the governor's numbers, my taxes went UP, while he spent $1.2 billion more than the was in the previous budget. We will pay for that credit card bill soon enough."

So said Trykon about my comment this morning about Wisconsin returning Scott Walker to the governor's office.

I do not know, nor care, why some counties are blue and some red.

Walker was the target of a recall because he poked labor unions in the eye. His state budget pretty much stripped government employees from having a union represent them in labor negotiations.

Please note: government employees may still form a union. This is a right. How much influence those unions may have over labor negotiations was the issue, which has been twice settled.

My opinion on unions. In support of them. More support. And a good reason why I detest unions. You can, should the notion strike, look up more of my opinion on unions. Simply google Pork Brains with Milk Gravy and unions and you'll find plenty.

Wisconsin voters returned the governor to office over the objections of unions. 

This I like.

Wisconsin voters got the government they asked for.

This I equally like.


Whether or not it is the government they want remains to be seen. 

This amuses me.


Trykon suspects when the dust settles, a majority of Wisconsin voters will not be happy. I do not dispute that. Rather, he may very well be correct. The voters in Wisconsin may very well have poked themselves in the eye.

Trivedi's platform.

I like this and it amuses me. Immensely.


But didja know there was a 3rd guy running? If you saw my opening graphic, of course you know now, but did you know prior? Probably not.


Hariprasad Trivedi is now an also ran. He was not allowed to participate in televised debates, a decision made by the Cheese State media.

If you bother to look at his website, you'll see that he was the candidate most Wisconsin voters, and certainly the voters capable of thinking for themselves, would have supported. The voters who refuse to think and insist on letting someone else think for them supported the Party of Power, be that Damnocrat or Reboobican.

Political pundits are making much of the election and what it means for the coming Presidential Fiasco, I mean election.

Very few of the talking heads will point out Wisconsin really and truly has determined how the nation will vote in November. A majority of US voters, come November, will vote to continue the present policies of letting corporations run government while rights are slowly eroded. Voting Damnocrat or Reboobican merely puts a D or an R with the elected president.

Nothing else will change. In that, Wisconsin is an absolute predictor of the direction of the nation.

Voters will get what they asked for. That is not what they really want, well the only person to blame is the person in the ballot box.

You are not allowed to have an opinion

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The story:

The Catholic church in Washington State is lobbying for a repeal of the state's same-gender marriage law.

My buddy Doc has said a charitable organization should not be allowed lobby. His specific comment is "Lobbying groups like the Mormons and Catholics shouldn't be allowed charitable organization status. Just sayin'..."

I have a problem with that statement because of what I see it implies.

Has nothing to do with same gender marriage either.  My view on same-gender marriage is clear.


My objections, and I very well could be reading this wrong or reading too much into it, is along the free speech route.


To explain:


The Catholic Church and the Mormons are first religious organizations.Their first job is to promote their religious perspective, view, outlook, etc. To do this, the religions communicate their respective messages.


Like it or not, that communication can include lobbying. Lobbying is nothing more than presenting information (fact or opinion) with the intention of swaying someone else.

A pastor lobbies every time he takes to the pulpit.

Do churches have a right to do this outside of church? 

If they do not, then spreading their religious message then becomes impossible.

Some of you will find much to cheer about in that statement.

But if you truly wish to be fair, then the rights of others to dispute the church's message must also be restricted. 

In other words if I can't tell someone about God, you can't say God doesn't exist. As long as I can tell people about God, then you can tell people there is no God.

At the same time, a church must have the right to present it's guiding principles to the world. Whether you like it or not is irrelevant. If any group has the right to say "this is right and this is wrong," then all groups must have that right. If one group cannot say, then no group should be able to say.

The ability to enforce what is right and wrong is a separate issue from free speech.

A church must have the right to express its views and encourage people to adhere to the standards of conduct as espoused by that church's leadership. If you remove that right, you have eliminated a fundamental aspect of free speech.


That, I cannot support.

That the Mormons and Catholic church leadership have this issue wrong is something Doc and I agree completely on.


As for a charity, like a church, contributing money to a politician, that is illegal.

A generation of stupid

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“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.”
― Albert Einstein

Rather than read our children fairy tales, we hand them smart phones, violate the terms of service on social media sites to let them have an account, fill their rooms with video games and go well out of our way to make sure they never have any reason to get up except to fulfill the basic necessities of life.

We are metaphorically beating the imagination out of our children with such force we might as well be doing it physically.

I give you this very real example:

Since school is out for summer, my Mom periodically collects my children and my extended family of children. When I went to collect the various chitlin's she was riding herd on yesterday, they were sprawled on furniture and the floor fairly glued to the idiot box. Admittedly, they'd spent several hours in her pool.

I'll be back in a few days...

I hauled them back. By the time the sun set, my house was temporary home to even more kids. All the girls holed up in Susan's room. They laughed, yelled, screamed made each other up as zombies and generally carried on in a highly boisterous manner until 3 a.m. The TV was ignored.

What is the difference?

Mom has cable. I do not. I do not have an antenna, a satellite dish or any way to receive a television signal. The kids can watch videos, but that's it.

Nor do I have internet access at home.

Despite the lack of modern electronic pacifiers, except on school nights my house is quite often occupied by kids not biologically related to me. I call all of them my children and I mean it.

Kids know when they come to my house, they will have to entertain themselves. And they do.

And they keep coming to my house. They would rather come to my house, despite my feeding them things like deer, wild hog, elk and squash casserole, than go to someone else's house.

At my house the kids must make their own entertainment. They must reach into their gray matter and find ways to eschew ennui. There is no passive entertainment at my house, except for the video collection which is well watched now.

I also demand, yes demand, intellectual excellence from all of them. I constantly challenge them to stretch their brains to encompass the concepts I hurl at them. I refuse to accept mediocrity. Only their best effort will be allowed.

And yet, they keep coming back.

Soon I think I shall break out the AD&D manuals, the 10 sider, 8 sider, 6 sider and 4 sider die. We shall enter the subterranean realms to do battle with green slime, skeletons and vampires which turn to dust when exposed to sunlight.

We shall not read fairy tales. We shall make our own.

We will not be a generation of stupid because we will make our brains do the hardest work of all.

My buddy Buck suggested this as read.

Will you so shut up already!

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I remember asking my mother many years ago if there was anything she'd done which she regretted.

She said no. I forget the reason she gave, but it probably was something along the lines that everything she'd done made her into the person she was.

"Regret the wasting of precious time feeling guilty about past mistakes. Mistakes are a thread in the blanket of our character." This is swiped from a FB post. I have corrected typos and probably added some of my own.

Brilliance in a few words. Whatever you have done, whenever you did it has led to you this point.

"Without them (mistakes) we wouldn't learn."

Can I get a witness? The only people who do not make mistakes do nothing. They are dead. Or might as well be. I'd like to think I have learned far more from my mistakes than my success. That may not be true, but I have certainly learned much from my mistakes.

Passion. Get you some.

"We have all made decisions in our lives that are driven by passion. Whether it be love, anger or just excitement. We sometimes dive into the water without sticking our feet in to check the temperature. Looking back on past mistakes should done with a smile, if you look back at all. The lessons we learned from them and sometimes the fun we had while making them should make them mistakes that were worth making."

Testify! Complaining about a mistake will not change what happened. My late Grandpa was an expert at dealing with the here & now, planning for the future and not worrying about what happened. I wish I could be more like him. What happened, happened. In his eyes you learned from the mistake, decided to not repeat it and moved on. If something needed fixing, you took care of that and then moved on.

 "A person who tries every day to make no mistakes isn't living bit suffocating under the misery of an unreachable expectation."

I disagree. I set out every day with the intention of making no mistakes. I do screw up and do it often. But I do not intent to. I set forth daily to be a complete success. I am not unique when I tell you I have achieved a day without a single mistake. I happened to be flat on my back in a hospital bed at the time. That's not the way I want to achieve perfection though.

Set goals and set them high. You may fall short, but you will be on the way.

"To regret is to be the one who decides what is right and wrong. You are not qualified to determine this."

I again disagree. If not me, whom? I make decisions regarding what is right and wrong. I have to believe that I am qualified and I have the power to make this decision. Those who never decide never do anything.

Lead, follow or get the hell out of my way!

Yeah. That works.

It is better to attempt and fail than to never attempt.

"Everything you do is a pebble thrown into a lake. The ripples will spread outward and have an effect on other peoples lives."

Reminds me of the storm butterfly, a physics concept. Every action has a cascade effect. What I do affects one or more people, who in turn affect other people and so on down the line.

And you still think I am not qualified to decide what is right and what is wrong?

"Something you did in your past that may have seemed utterly wrong to you, may have been the cause of changing someone else's life for the good. You will never know how your actions have affected the world, only how your actions have affected you."

Ummm. Do two wrongs make a right? How many wrongs make a right? Is the sum of the parts greater than the whole? Do the ends justify the means? Too much to quantify in this statement. This must be a case-by-case matter.

"So, to regret is a selfish emotion."

Speaking of personal demons, can we get an exorcist over here?

Ayup. Get out of your pity party and move on. If you are not happy with who you are, there's one person to blame. We've all fought personal battles, exorcised personal demons and gone lance to snout with personal dragons.

So, learn your lesson, shut up already and move along.

S'called tough love.

"Do not regret the mistakes that make you whom you are today, but rather cherish them. And in the last minute of your life, feel sorrow for not having time to make more of them."

Eh. I can live with that.

Bravery is not the lack of fear

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Bravery is admitting fear exists and deciding it will not rule you.

The difference between the coward and the hero is the hero stands and the coward runs.

I have said before I do not understand why some people have a fear of public speaking, a fear so deep set that it is greater than the fear of death. I suppose this is one of those things - you have to be there. I'm not there. I like public speaking.

I admire people who can overcome their fear without chemical additives.

I found out just how much I admire these people on Saturday at the Forest City Gun Club in Savannah.

To splain, Clan Baker was there along with hundreds of other families and stack of people from my county for the annual 4-H Skeet and Trap State competition. I do not know how we placed overall because we headed home before the results were announced.

We were there because Susan is a member of the Junior 4-H team. As such, she earned a spot at the state tournament. I took my intense dislike of Savannah and shoved it into a steel coffin with garlic-impregnated sheets on the inside, nailed shut with silver nails, bedecked with crucifixes and sank the whole thing in a tank of sanctified gasoline with a dead man's switch on a torch hovering overhead.

Saturday morning at the Forest City Gun Club, our county was one of several to take the range for round one. Susan strode out, loaded her shooting pouch with shells, grabbed her shotgun and took the line. She shot last, a decision she's made since joining the shooting team two years ago.

Round 1 was skeet. Not her best event. She shot consistently, however. In three rounds she had the same score each time.

I did not know it at the time, but she was so nervous she could barely hold her shotgun. Literally. Afterward she told he how much she was shaking on the line. Prior to the Trap round at 12:30, she showed me how nervous she was. I have only seen people shake that much when in the grip of near hypothermia or some other medical malady.

A skeet field.

After morning skeet shoot was over when the scores were tallied, the coach extended congrats and the referee gave some parting advice, he told Susan "You need to be on Xanax."

I got that bit on film too. If it makes the cut, it'll be part of Real Outdoors with Team No Prisoners, which airs on Predator TV. Pretty sure it will make it to the blooper real on the DVDs.

At the range I told Susan how proud of her I was (and am.) On the ride home I thought it over more. I became increasingly proud of her.

Her she was, so nervous she could barely hold a shotgun and yet she went on to compete. She didn't come in first in the standings, but she came first for the sheer tenacity displayed. I've seen other people who would have collapsed under that kind of pressure.

Not Susan.

Too many people are ruled by their fears instead of ruling the fear. On Saturday my daughter showed she may have fears, but they will not stop her.

That's the attitude we all need to have.

Friday Funny - Summertime Christmas wishes

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Did you ever wonder what the estimated cost of all the presents for the 12 Days of Christmas is?

Now you gotta multiply it out to make it come out right. Day 1, one quail. Day 2, two doves and a quail. Day three, three chickens, 2 doves and a quail and so forth.

Thanks to a $5.7 billion dollar grant in the form of campaign contribution refunds to big money donors from President-elect Osama, I now know the answer. I will break 'em down for you.

12 Partridges in a pear tree. Nothing if you grow 'em from seeds from the pears at Grandma's house or take cuttings from her tree. As for the birds, a dozen quail will set you back about $8.50, what with the cost of a box of high-brass 12 gauge shells these days.

22 Turtle doves. Welll, if the Game Warden catches you, $150. If you don't get caught, $12.35 for a box and a piece of a box of 12 gauge shells.

30 French Hens. Hrmmm. Import fees, tariffs, duties and the whole "French" thing, it's just not worth it. 30 wild chickens from Fitzgerald, Ga. Whatever gas you spend driving there and back and wear & tear on your shoes from running down the chickens.

36 calling birds. Calling birds or bird calls? Some of the hand-made top end turkey calls can run $100 or more. If you opt for the birds, you can have as many geese as you can catch from the Veteran's Park golf course and they'll throw in another dozen for free.

40 Golden rings. Hrmmm. You can get a huge bag of onion rings from the Varsity in Etalanna for about $15.

48 Geese a laying. Remember the geese you chased down at the golf course? You got an extra dozen for free. And now you more and having 'em breed as well?

35 Swans a swimming. Look. You already have 84 birds running around and pooping on everything in sight. What do you really need with 35 more huge birds that are basically sewer plants and should be admired from a great distance because if you get too close, you'll find out what the expression "slicker than goose poop" really means. Besides which you have all those chickens too.

Your feed bill is what you really need to be worrying about, not what your true love spent on all these critters. 'Course if your pear trees produce fruit, you could open a produce stand to make some money.

40 Maids a Millking. Obviously these ladies are illegal immigrants because no American citizen is going to milk a cow, much less know how to get cow juice out of the critter. Figure a dollar each plus the cost of housing.

36 Ladies dancing. Run on down to the Radio Ranch any Friday night around 11:30 and you can get just as many ladies dancing as you want for the cost of one cold one each. Call it $72 for longnecks. The ladies will be dancing on the bar, but that should not be a problem.

30 Lords a leaping. Short of attending a track and field meeting where the team is all brothers sisters and first cousins, I dunno where you will get that many of the Lord family jumping up and down. Unless you put some extra hot hot sauce in the pepper sauce bottle for the greens at a Lord family reunion.

22 Pipers piping. What is a piper? I'm serious. Ah, The Countess reminded me of Rowdy Roddy Piper. So 22 fake Scottish Pro rasslers at today's rates, ummm, call it $2,200. That being $100 for each one.

12 Drummers drumming. What kind of drummer? Heavy metal? Jazz? Country? Heck it doesn't matter. How much talent does it take to beat on something with a stick and make noise. If Tommy Lee can do it for nearly 20 years, anyone can do it. A dozen drummers, free at any day care center 20 minutes before lunch time.

The cost of the 12 Days of Christmas, $2,307.85 without the cost of gas to Fitzgerald. Cost of housing illegal immigrant housekeeping staff, $10 a day. Cost of having the Environmental Protection Agency declare your house a hazardous waste site because of all the bird poop, priceless.

Of quotes, Frank Zappa, bats and anger

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“He who angers you conquers you.”
~ Elizabeth Kenny
(1880-1952)

An excellent way of looking at it.

As Paul Hodges posted on my FB page after seeing the above quote - Joseph Hunter: “My life is in the hands of any fool who makes me lose my temper.”

Alternately, any fool who makes me lose my temper puts his life in my hands.

Scary thought. 

At the risk of making some people spew whatever they are drinking across their computer, I state here I have a short fuse. I'd like to think otherwise, but reality says otherwise. At the same time, I don't stay that way long. Get mad. Get over it. Move on. I very rarely let the sun go down on my anger.

Speaking of bent out of shape, this is what nationalized health care does for people...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1218927/Plumber-shattered-arm-left-horrifically-bent-shape-operation-cancelled-times.html

Anyway, I will get bent out of shape over things that surprise some people. I also let stuff slide when some people think I would get mad.

A broadcast media journalist hard at work

Someone recently commented to me privately that my blogs express a lot of anger. Looking back, I have to agree. I do use this forum to vent, which is a good thing. But this column also reflects a small amount of the writing I do daily and weekly. It accounts for a fraction of a percent of my week's total communication efforts.

I do not often give writing advice (correcting mistakes is not advice). But I do so now. This is some of the absolute BEST writing advice I have ever received and it was supplied by a person who is not a writer.

Writing is an excellent way to let off steam. A former front office worker here once penned an extensive letter, aimed at corp. HQ. I looked it over and suggested some corrections. She said she never intended to send it, just wanted to get some things said.  Having done so, she was satisfied.

Wow.

Noooo. Deadline is Noon Monday, not Tuesday.

What about you? Get mad often? What do you do about?

Anger is often generated by frustration. Most of the time, I'd say. It comes from a failure to adequately control something. What that something is varies, but most of the time it comes down to a failure to control another person or yourself.

Be honest about it and you'll agree. More often that we're willing to admit, anger comes from shortcomings within ourselves.

Uhn. If the truth hurts, you're living wrong.

What makes you mad?

Frank Zappa and his daughter recorded "Valley Girl" in the 1980s. This song made me mad back then and it continues to make me mad. The reasons behind this I shall not share.

It makes me want to grab a baseball bat and inflict damage. I realize this is not rational, but I also hate armadillos and that ain't rational either.

Some items of no partik'lar note

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Pork Brains is now over 100,000 views. BOOYAH!

Next step, TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

•••

Some people will deny empirical evidence even after you beat them to death with it.

Whatta ya do? No use in getting mad. Can't shoot 'em, at least in this country. Take over some third world and you can shoot people at will.

Or, become president of the United States and kill people with drone attacks.

•••

Every minute you are angry is 60 seconds when you could have been happy.

•••

Graduation is upon us. That sacred time of year when high school students around the nation prepare for the next phase of their life and most don't have a bleedin' clue what comes next. I certainly didn't.

I entered college with the idea of becoming a writer. Didn't know WTH I was doing. Lots of people will tell you I still don't have a freekin' clue what I'm doing.

They are probably correct.

•••

High School graduation requirements.

Because so many students are failing the Georgia High School Graduation test, it is being phased out. The new standard is students must pass the end of course test.

This immediately insures a sharp increase in the number of kids graduating, while also making sure the students leaving High School are no more prepared for the real world than they are now.

By putting the onus on individual teachers, the Georgia school system is making absolutely sure nearly 100 percent of High School seniors will meet Georgia's graduation requirements. Whether or not the students have actually learned what was taught is irrelevant.

Teachers will pass students. Period.

It doesn't matter if the student did well enough on the test or not. The teacher will assign a passing grade to the student. There will be no or extremely few failing grades.

Ergo, everyone graduates.

This may not be a written policy at Georgia's public schools, but it absolutely is the No. 1 unwritten mandate from on high. Teachers who let students actually earn their grades are fired because too many students fail.

School systems will deny this in public. Owning up to the reality of the situation is political and professional suicide.

The problem is: So long as teachers are not allowed to teach and bad teachers are protected by the system, our public schools will never achieve the kind of success our kids deserve.

But as I said above, you can beat some people to death with empirical evidence and they will still deny it.

Mo gets class

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“It’s missing something.”

So pronounced Larry “Hawgin’” Fishbreath while sitting at Mo’s Country Diner, Used Cars, Stump Removal, Friday Night Sushi Bar, Saturday Morning Fresh Cut Bait and Tanning.

The object of Hawgin’s observation was the sign out front of Mo’s, which he so indicated by pointing at the sign with a well-greased fork holding a fried chicken liver. Instantly wondering what a chicken had done to deserve the fate of having its innards used to point out a sign, I leaned over the table and looked out. The only thing the sign was missing, as best I could tell, was a condemnation order from local, state, federal and international authorities for being a hazard to the planet at large.

“What?” grunted Mo from behind the counter where he was rassling with a large bag of frozen fries which eventually would be dumped in nearly boiling peanut oil and from there going to grace a MoBurger platter which would eventually contribute to the hardening of the arteries of many of Ellenton’s residents.

“Yer missing the kind of business this place is,” Hawgin’ said. “The sign don’t explain it.”

Like you are now, I was stunned, shocked, perplexed and a whole bunch of other adjectives which mean my jaw dropped and was presently sliding around the barbecue sauce in my plate.

How could a sign of 18 words and miscellaneous punctuation fail to identify the business to which it was attached?

Understand this is also no ordinary sign. Over the years as Mo has added and removed various sidelines to his business, the sign has changed. Mostly gotten longer.

It is now so long it reaches well past the actual building. It is also a very cosmopolitan, democratic and integrated sign. The original sign “Mo’s Diner” was a tasteful done hand painted job on plywood. Additions were done, by Hawgin’, with whatever materials were at hand.

The extension is made from roofing tin, vinyl siding, the hood of a 1973 Chevy 3/4 ton pickup (that being the Used Cars part), more plywood, some nailed together 2x4s, a picnic table and what looks like parts form a UFO but Hawgin’ swears it is stuff he salvaged from the Tar Pit and painted with whatever paint the hardware store had on sale because it was incorrectly mixed. The whole thing sags more than an air conditioner in a second-story window.

On really windy days when the sign is moving good you can see part of former businesses Mo had. The “Video Rental” is one which the City Council really wishes would go away.

Before online rentals killed local video shops, Mo rented movies, including the kinds of movies he had to keep behind the counter and you had to ask for when no one else was in the store.

The City Council got wind of Mo’s under the counter rentals and threatened to pass an ordinance making those movies illegal. Mo went to the City Council’s next meeting.

“Y’all go ahead and make it illegal and I will publish the names of everyone who has rented one of these movies in the newspaper next week,” he said.

The movie ordinance was dropped so fast it cracked the floor at City Hall.

But none of this explains what Hawgin’ felt was missing from the sign.

“Emporium,” Hawgin’ said. “Them French words like that give it a touch of class. Yeah. Classy.”

That afternoon Hawgin’ attached “EMPORIUM” in bright green neon letters.

Class. Mo’s has it. A pre-kindergarten kind of class, but he’s got it.

A news story - Hunt of a lifetime for a Georgia teen

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This is a newspaper story about my son.

On the drums for the HS band

Hunt of a lifetime for a handicapped Georgia teen


A handicapped Georgia teenager is going to get the hunt of a lifetime in Washington State this fall, if his family manages to raise the money for airfare and to ship his moose or elk back home.

At 15 years old, Jesse Baker is a typical teenager in most ways. He doesn’t like to clean his room, loves the internet and occasionally adopts an attitude toward his parents. He also loves to hunt, especially wild hogs and deer.

What sets him apart is Down Syndome, a genetic condition that pervades every cell in his body. Down Syndrome, also known as Trisomy 21, brings with it mental retardation and physical defects. Jesse was born with a hole in his heart, which closed over the intervening years, but he remains under the care of a pediatric cardiologist. He also has an unusually large gap between the vertebrae in his neck, which means contact sports are out. A couple of years ago, he had a bone insert in both ankles to correct a joint disorder. That was mostly successful.

“This is Jesse’s hunt. He’ll carry the gun and do the shooting,” said dad Ben Baker. “I’m going because he can’t go by himself on a trip like this. But he’ll be the one in charge. He’ll decide what to shoot and when.”

MAKING IT HAPPEN

My favorite Jesse picture. He is "scaring" me.

The total cost of the trip is normally around $6,000. But Fourtrack Outfitters, www.fourtrackhunting.com/, in Colville, WA, has donated a 4-day hunt to Jesse. Fourtracks owner Chris van Kempen contacted the Team No Prisoners TV show and offered a hunt to a disabled youngster. TNP Executive Editor Scott Dawson and Producer Homer Guy immediately suggested Jesse.

That cut the cost back considerably. This left Jesse needed to raise air fare, money for food and to ship his moose or elk home. That’s estimated to be somewhere between $3,000 and $4,000.

“This is just a natural fit for us,” said Barry Barbee of Autowrangler.com , a company helping raise money for the trip. “We have a mission at Autowranglers.com to give back to the community and spread the word of Jesus. By helping Jesse, we make a dream of his come true and Jesse will also use the Washington trip as mission work. Jesse Baker loves God and tells everyone about that.”

Mr. Barbee said Autowranglers.com will buy a vehicle, any vehicle and anywhere in the nation, donated to Jesse’s hunt. The car will be picked up with a day and a check will be delivered to Jesse’s hunting fund the same day.

“It doesn’t matter what shape the vehicle is in. We’ll buy it. Guaranteed. You call me, I’ll buy it. I’ll donate the money to Jesse’s hunting trip,” Mr. Barbee said. “It’s a win-win-win. You get a junk car out of your yard, we all get to help a disabled young man enjoy an amazing hunting trip and Autowranglers.com makes a difference in someone’s life.”

ABOUT JESSE

Jesse and a wild hog he killed.

Active in his church’s youth group and a member of the adult Choir, Jesse is quick to tell anyone who will listen about Jesus, his sister and parents and how he’s going to Washington to shoot a big moose.

“Me shoot moose. Big moose,” he says, pantomiming holding a rifle up and pulling the trigger. “Cook it and eat it. Make hamburgers!”

Hamburgers are Jesse’s favorite food.

“Everyone who has ever met Jesse loves him,” Mr. Barbee. “Even if you just met him, Jesse is going to tell everyone you are his ‘old friend’ and he’ll treat you like you really are an old friend.”

Jesse has been hunting since he was three years old, according to Mr. Baker. He got his first gun, a BB rifle when he was five. He now has a .22 rifle which he uses to hunt hogs around South Georgia. He will borrow his father’s deer rifle for the Washington State hunt.

For more information about how to help Jesse achieve his goal of hunting in Washington State, call Mr. Barbee at 1 (877) 845-7378, barry.barbee@autowranglers.com or Mr. Baker at 229-567-3655, redneckgenius@gmail.com

Trip sponsors so far are:
Friends and family
Auto Wranglers - www.Autowranglers.com
Buckmasters - www.buckmasters.com
Fourtracks Outfitters - www.fourtrackhunting.com
Team No Prisoners - www.teamnoprisoners.com

Graduation

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Remember, if you have made it that far, your High School graduation? I have conferred with some of my fellow graduates from that night in Moultrie many years agone.

This much I do remember. Well, some if it.

We all remember a few details. None of us remember the exact same thing. By piecing together the memories we have, we can come to some sort of an approximate idea of what graduation night was probably like.

Talk about an inexact science.

As we lay out the graduation section at the office (from which I am playing hooky in order to write this blog), I look over the seniors. I have known most of them ever since they started school. I have written about them and taken their pictures for 13-14 years now.

I have watched them laugh, cry, run, sit, complain, rejoice and run through many other emotions.

I wonder what I should tell them as they approach this singular day in their life. I confess I do not know.

Platitudes and aphorisms a plenty come to mind.

Mindless jabber.

I could discuss the state of the world, their future, etc. What can I tell them which they don't already know?

Say what?

As if they will listen to me anyway.

I speak from experience, having once been a teenager and ignoring advice and wisdom from those older than me.

I remember my Grandpa, upon seeing a 5th of whisky in my truck the summer before I hauled out to college, saying, "Don't think you can go off to college and get drunk all the time."

Ahem.

The one bit of advice I did take was from Dad. "Go to a liberal arts college. This will be the last time in your life you'll have so much." He was telling me to avoid the hard schools, like Georgia Tech, because after graduation the world was gonna pound on me. He bade me eschew major responsibilities, which I did.

Most of the advice I was given I forgot and ignored.

So in that spirit I tell the Class of 2012 the following:

Go ye forth. Make mistakes and learn from them. People who do not make mistakes are dead. People who do not learn from their mistakes are soon dead.

What's the difference between you and Westboro Church?

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Lemme state categorically: I do not understand everything in the Bible as it is written. I doubt anyone does. Those of you who only read English translations of the ancient work without commentary and exegesis are missing even more than I am.

Anyway, with all the furor surrounding same gender marriage, I’m taking a serious Biblical look at this and sex in general. So, you are warned. Some of the things I discuss here may be graphic, but they come straight from the Bible.

Read the Old Testament and you see major OT men who slept with “prostitutes” and were not held accountable for this. According to the best research on this, not all of these women were hookers as we know them today. They were women given in service to a deity and part of their religious duties was to have sex with other men. Men may have also done this.

The point is these mighty figures of the OT did not have this act charged to them as sin, at least from what we know from the Bible.

Some point to the story of Onan, who “spilled his seen upon the ground” as evidence that masturbation is wrong. This is the only such reference of this kind I can find. Reading the passage, I get the idea that Onan withdrew before orgasm.

However, there is a different proscription for women. Ezekiel 16:17 You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

God is speaking in parables here, but He couches it in human terms. He refers to women who used gold and silver to make dildos. The inference here is that this is wrong. I could be wrong.

While I’m on the subject, size matters.

2 Chronicles 10:10 The young men who grew up with him spoke to him, saying, "Thus you shall say to the people who spoke to you, saying, 'Your father made our yoke heavy, but you make it lighter for us.' Thus you shall say to them, 'My little finger is thicker than my father's loins!

Some translations say “waist” instead of loins but the majority say loins.

Size does matters.

Ezekiel 23:20 “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.”

Ok, in this passage God is speaking in parables, but He uses the example of two human women to get his point across. One of these human women went charging after men who, well you can read it above.

Yes, the Bible speaks at length about marriage and the sanctity of it. Christians have that right. What all too many choose to ignore are the proscriptions for divorce.

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 1 “When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens 1that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house,
2 and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife,
3 and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife,
4 then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the Lord your God gives you as an inheritance.

From this passage, a man in Old Testament times could find somethings wrong with his wife and divorce her. She was then allowed to find another husband. I also note men were allowed more than one wife. Can’t find anything about women having more than one husband.

In the New Testament, women apparently have the right to divorce. But getting remarried is not allowed.

Matthew 9:3-9 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Mark 10:2-10
2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied.
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. 6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

So Christians who get divorced for reasons OTHER than adultery are committing adultery. These two passages are excused away, rationalized away and pretty much ignored when it comes to divorce.

An old independent preacher, probably gone now, gave me a phrase that I find handy here - Kangaroo Christians. They hop from passage to passage ignoring what they don’t like and embracing what they do like.

Adultery, as noted in the Old Testament, was a capital offense. When Jesus came along it no longer was a capital offense, but Jesus also told the accused women to “sin no more.” In the OT, God speaks of Israel’s unfaithfulness to Him in terms of human adultery. God is quite condemning of this all through the Old Testament. It’s a theme also found in the New Testament.

Christians who have divorced and remarried EXCEPT AS NOTED ABOVE are in the same boat as those who engage in same gender sexual activities. Condemned under the law

What about Christians who marry non believers? That’s nowhere near as clear.

1 Corinthians 7:12-13 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.

Here we have a conundrum. The very writer of this part of the Bible states he is the one speaking. Yet many Christians believe the Bible is the very Word of God and everything in it is directly from God.

So either the writer here was delusional or this passage of scripture must be considered optional.

The third alternative is: We don’t have enough understanding yet to get what God is trying to tell us.

A short few pages later, some discordant information is supplied.

2 Corinthians 6:14-16 14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:

“The phrase "unequally yoked together" is the translation of just one Greek word, heterozugeo, which is a compound word that means, "to yoke up differently; to associate discordantly; unequally yoke together. The word "yoke" means a coupling as when two oxen are coupled or yoked together by a pulling beam to do work such as plowing a field or pulling a wagon." It is used but this one time in the Bible.” http://bible-truths.com/yoked.htm

If you’re still with me, here’s the absolute butt-kicker right out of the Bible.

2 Timothy 2:14 Keep reminding God’s people of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen.

Got that? Lemme put this another way.

Galatians 5:14 For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

In other words, when we argue over the details in the Bible we drive people away. My buddy Gus, what a guy, has this one pegged perfectly.

Grace.

That’s it. Period. Nothing more, nothing less for Christians. Nothing a Christian can ever do will make him good enough for God or bad enough to be rejected.

By focusing on MINOR matters in the Bible, Christians are actually driving people away from the faith. The major matter for Christians is to accept Jesus, what He did and who He is and introduce others to Him. Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING else is secondary.

If you rally against same gender marriage, I ask: What’s the difference between you and the people at Westboro Baptist Church in the eyes of God?

I do not judge you. I merely pose a question. G’head. Judge me if you must. Doesn’t matter. I’ve got grace.

What’s the difference between a homosexual couple and a congregation that puts on an after-church feed and everyone eats until they are uncomfortable WHILE CHILDREN LESS THAN A MILE AWAY GO TO BED WITHOUT SUPPER?

Reckon what Jesus would have done with all that fried chicken?

What are you gonna do? Judge not lest you be judged? Express “tough love?” Jesus, according to Christians, died to prevent Christians from being judged for their sins. Christians are also exhorted to be like Christ. Those of you who condemn same-gender marriage, what are you doing other than complaining and trying to prevent it from happening?

I point out to you, Jesus NEVER commanded. He only attempted to persuade. We have no records of Jesus lobbying, or demanding, Roman authorities to ban certain religious practices or make other practices codified into the law.

Romans 10:4 For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes.

Got that? Jesus said He did not come to end the law, but to fulfill it. The law required death for sin. Jesus died, Christians believe, to save them from death.

Romans 8:1-4 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Got Grace?