Friday Funny - Summertime Christmas wishes

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Did you ever wonder what the estimated cost of all the presents for the 12 Days of Christmas is?

Now you gotta multiply it out to make it come out right. Day 1, one quail. Day 2, two doves and a quail. Day three, three chickens, 2 doves and a quail and so forth.

Thanks to a $5.7 billion dollar grant in the form of campaign contribution refunds to big money donors from President-elect Osama, I now know the answer. I will break 'em down for you.

12 Partridges in a pear tree. Nothing if you grow 'em from seeds from the pears at Grandma's house or take cuttings from her tree. As for the birds, a dozen quail will set you back about $8.50, what with the cost of a box of high-brass 12 gauge shells these days.

22 Turtle doves. Welll, if the Game Warden catches you, $150. If you don't get caught, $12.35 for a box and a piece of a box of 12 gauge shells.

30 French Hens. Hrmmm. Import fees, tariffs, duties and the whole "French" thing, it's just not worth it. 30 wild chickens from Fitzgerald, Ga. Whatever gas you spend driving there and back and wear & tear on your shoes from running down the chickens.

36 calling birds. Calling birds or bird calls? Some of the hand-made top end turkey calls can run $100 or more. If you opt for the birds, you can have as many geese as you can catch from the Veteran's Park golf course and they'll throw in another dozen for free.

40 Golden rings. Hrmmm. You can get a huge bag of onion rings from the Varsity in Etalanna for about $15.

48 Geese a laying. Remember the geese you chased down at the golf course? You got an extra dozen for free. And now you more and having 'em breed as well?

35 Swans a swimming. Look. You already have 84 birds running around and pooping on everything in sight. What do you really need with 35 more huge birds that are basically sewer plants and should be admired from a great distance because if you get too close, you'll find out what the expression "slicker than goose poop" really means. Besides which you have all those chickens too.

Your feed bill is what you really need to be worrying about, not what your true love spent on all these critters. 'Course if your pear trees produce fruit, you could open a produce stand to make some money.

40 Maids a Millking. Obviously these ladies are illegal immigrants because no American citizen is going to milk a cow, much less know how to get cow juice out of the critter. Figure a dollar each plus the cost of housing.

36 Ladies dancing. Run on down to the Radio Ranch any Friday night around 11:30 and you can get just as many ladies dancing as you want for the cost of one cold one each. Call it $72 for longnecks. The ladies will be dancing on the bar, but that should not be a problem.

30 Lords a leaping. Short of attending a track and field meeting where the team is all brothers sisters and first cousins, I dunno where you will get that many of the Lord family jumping up and down. Unless you put some extra hot hot sauce in the pepper sauce bottle for the greens at a Lord family reunion.

22 Pipers piping. What is a piper? I'm serious. Ah, The Countess reminded me of Rowdy Roddy Piper. So 22 fake Scottish Pro rasslers at today's rates, ummm, call it $2,200. That being $100 for each one.

12 Drummers drumming. What kind of drummer? Heavy metal? Jazz? Country? Heck it doesn't matter. How much talent does it take to beat on something with a stick and make noise. If Tommy Lee can do it for nearly 20 years, anyone can do it. A dozen drummers, free at any day care center 20 minutes before lunch time.

The cost of the 12 Days of Christmas, $2,307.85 without the cost of gas to Fitzgerald. Cost of housing illegal immigrant housekeeping staff, $10 a day. Cost of having the Environmental Protection Agency declare your house a hazardous waste site because of all the bird poop, priceless.